Short answer: It’s anyone and everyone who’s interested in BDSM, and if that’s you, then you’re already in!
Long answer:
If you’ve spent any time looking into BDSM online, read any articles about it, or have any friends who are into BDSM (or kink in general) then you’ve probably come across the term “the BDSM Community” and wondered what it is. As I mentioned in the short answer above, it’s anyone who’s interested in BDSM, just like any other community around a shared interest like Supernatural fanfic or F1 or Doctor Who etc, but there are some additional elements worth discussing.
The “in-person community” (aka munches)
There are some people who organise meetings you can go along to, called “munches”. These are casual get-togethers, usually held in a public place like a pub, bar or restaurant, and they’re not in any way sexual. No kinky clothing, no nudity, nothing at all that would seem out of place in whatever venue they’re being held at. You may well have been in the same place at the same time a “munch” was happening, and you’d have had no idea, because it’d just look like any large group of friends hanging out. To a lot of people (particularly ones over 40+) these munches are what they think of when people mention “the community”.
Do I have to join or go to these?
No. Very, VERY few kinky people, or people into BDSM, will ever go to a munch. The vast majority of kinky/BDSM people won’t even know they exist, because they’re just living their life and not bothered about what anyone else does, or even that there are all these names and terms for what they’re doing.
How do I find my local munch?
FetLife.com is the social networking website for kinky people, so they’ll be advertised on there. Check out my How to find your local munch post for full details on how to use FetLife.
What if I want to go – do I need an invitation?
No, not usually. The vast majority of munches are open to anyone who’s interested, because like any community, the more members they have, the better. Having said that, some communities may have a different policy, and that’s totally up to them. Some munches may charge a small fee to cover admin or venue hire, most (in my experience) are free. And remember, it’s just normal clothes – nothing kinky or sexual.
Will I be safe?
As much as I’d love to say yes, the sad fact is that, just like anything else, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be safe at a munch, just like there’s no guarantee you’ll be safe if you go to a bar or pub or nightclub for any other reason. And as I mention in my Safety when meeting someone for the first time. post, there is a common perception that kink = easy sex, so the kink/BDSM community does tend to attract people who have bad intentions. On top of that, some munches/communities – not all, but sadly, some – have been known to protect people who’ve been accused of abuse/assault/other undesirable behaviour, and some are even run by people like that. Basically, don’t assume you’ll be safe around anyone you don’t already know – hopefully you will be, but just because BDSM relies on consent, don’t assume everyone else will have the same understanding. If you can, take a friend (I also offer a “munch buddy” service).
Do I need to give my real name?
Not unless it’s one of the very, very few communities that insist on doing a background check. If you’re not comfortable with that – which is totally understandable – then find a different community
The “online community”
As with many things these days, there’s also a thriving online community of kinky people.
Do I have to join?
Not unless you want to – there’s no single space, anyway, so it’s totally up to you.
How do I find an online community?
There are all manner of Discord servers and Reddit groups and people on Twitter, Threads, BlueSky, Instagram, TikTok and so on.
Will I be safe?
The same caveats apply as to real-life communities, though – don’t assume everyone is safe. Some people, especially on social media, Reddit and Discord, try to foster an image of respectability and knowledge only to turn out to be anything from dangerously uneducated through to outright abusive. Discord servers in particular can be problematic due to the mentality some people have that running a Discord server gives them power (and the same can be said of places like Reddit). I’ve heard way too many stories of people running Discord servers or Second Life “BDSM training schools” who were just using them to prey on vulnerable or inexperienced women. Although most Reddit forums are less dangerous, there are way too many people who watch for inexperienced people to post on there and then jump into their DMs offering to “train” them or otherwise help them – which usually turns into an abusive situation pretty quickly.
Do I need to give my real name?
No, it’s the internet.
If you’ve got a question about BDSM communities that I haven’t answered here, use the contact form to let me know and I’ll respond and also update this page.