One of, if not the most common questions I get asked, is “How do I find a Dom/sub?”
My initial answer is always the same: You don’t. You’re not looking for An Dom or A Sub, you’re looking for a PERSON. A normal, ordinary, regular human being, just like yourself. You don’t see people going “Where do I find a wife?” or “where do I find a boyfriend?” or “Where do I find a FWB?” because most people understand that spouses, partners, and anyone else you intend to form an intimate relationship with (physically, mentally and/or emotionally) are not things you just pick up with the rest of your groceries. For some reason, though, when people discover kink one of their first thoughts is “Where do I find someone to perform the role I want?” IMO, it’s the same as objectifying someone before you’ve met them.
So, first things first, put the idea of finding a Dom or sub to one side – prioritising the role (over the person behind it) can lead to making bad decisions. Even if you’re purely looking for a sexual partner, not someone to date, you still need to find someone you’re compatible with on a personal level, because you’re probably going to be in very intimate, vulnerable, emotionally raw situations with them.
So, with that bit of pedantry aside, the rest of my answer is going to depend on what you’re looking for – a romantic relationship as well, or just kink?
If you’re looking for someone who’s also going to be your partner, then the answer is the same as if kink wasn’t involved – go dating. Put the kink aspect aside to begin with, and focus on meeting people who you’d want to be in a relationship with. A healthy D/s dynamic needs a healthy underlying relationship, so IMO you should prioritise that first. Then, when you find someone you can see a romantic future with, you can find out if the kinky side of things is a match too. It won’t always be the case that both are a match, but that’s the point of dating! The reasons I don’t initially suggest looking for people who already see themselves as a Dom or sub are a) it really narrows down the pool of potential matches, because relatively few people know about kink until they’re introduced to it by someone and b) as I mentioned earlier, you’re reducing people to the role you want them to perform for you, not seeing them as the individuals they are.
If you’re just looking for kinky fun, and not a long-term relationship, then you’ve got two options. The first is the same as before – go dating, meet lots of people, but this time you can prioritise kink over long-term compatibility. The drawback to this approach is that, as I mentioned before, not everyone knows about kink, so you’re going to have the extra work of finding someone fun, but potentially also having to educate them. Some folk enjoy that, others don’t – it’s up to you. And you also need to bear in mind what I said at the beginning about finding someone you can be vulnerable with.
The second option is to focus on meeting people who already know they’re kinky and what they enjoy, so let’s look at that next.
First things first – there’s FetLife. It’s basically Facebook for kinky folk, and whilst it’s not a dating site (despite many of the users thinking it is), it’s where you’ll find your local BDSM community. Search for your nearest city or town and you’ll find groups, events, and munches (munches are casual meet-ups in vanilla venues, where people chat over coffee or drinks). I have guide to using FetLife to find your local munch here. One BIG caveat: FetLife is FULL of predators. I strongly recommend not reply to any of the DMs you’ll get on there.
Munches are great for meeting people in person. No pressure, no play, no kink – just conversation with like-minded folk. Some munches also run workshops or play parties, which are an excellent way to learn about kink if you’re new, or pick up new skills. Having said all that, munches are NOT intended to be dating pools or a way to pick up people – they’re a social event first, and you may find that the vast majority of attendees already have a partner (and some munches actively discourage people looking for a potential partner). A couple of points: Some munches do run occasional events aimed at dating, so keep an eye out for those, and don’t assume that every munch is safe. These are still normal people, and normal people can be bad as well as good – some munches do protect, or can even be run by, predators, so always take safety precautions and don’t assume anyone you meet at a munch is automatically a safe person. Instead, think of them as a way to hopefully make new friends, and maybe meeting someone eventually that wants to get to know you better. What some munches also do is run events at dungeons, and these are often times when you might be able to find someone for “pick-up play.” That’s where two people who aren’t in an existing relationship/dynamic with each other might choose to do something together, and then go their separate ways. You may also find that dungeons themselves put on events.
You can also find people online, but be extremely careful. Anyone can call themselves a Dom or sub – doesn’t mean they know what they’re doing, or that your definition and theirs match. Red flags include: demanding immediate submission or Domination, refusing to discuss limits, claiming they “don’t allow safewords,” or getting sexual straight away. A responsible Dom or sub will want to know you as a person first, negotiate thoroughly, and respect your boundaries.
Consider what type of Dom/sub you’re after. Bedroom only? 24/7? Specific kinks? The clearer you are about your needs, the easier it’ll be to find someone compatible. Make a proper profile wherever you’re looking – be honest about your experience level and what you’re seeking.
If you’re completely new, I’d strongly suggest doing some research first. Learn about safety, negotiation, and different play styles. You’ll meet experienced people, and you’ll be better equipped to spot the difference between a responsible Dom/sub and someone who’s watched too much porn.
Be patient. Finding the right partner takes time – it’s about compatibility, trust, and chemistry, not just the first person who messages you. Better to wait for someone decent than rush into something with a pretender who’ll put you off the whole scene.