A common word newcomers to kink may come across is “Mentor”. It’s often bandied around online spaces as something all newcomers should have, but what is it?
The idea behind the term is that a “mentor” is someone who will teach you about kink/BDSM, in the same way that you might have a mentor at school or work – someone who will guide you, teach you the ins and outs of whatever you’re doing, give you advice and feedback, that sort of thing. Think of them as an interactive encyclopaedia. That’s the idea, anyway…
What should a Mentor do?
In my opinion, Mentors should be able to offer hands-off advice and guidance about kink/BDSM. They should be able to explain common concepts and approaches, advise about good and bad practice, highlight risks and how to mitigate them, and help you with your own research, which may include pointing you to other sources of information without being territorial. They may also help you with finding local munches, or even finding and vetting potential partners, and possibly being your safe call when you meet new people.
What should a Mentor NOT do?
Mentoring, IMO, should be about education and safety (as much as anything in BDSM can be considered “safe”). Whatever the environment – work, school, kink, art etc – one common thing about mentors is that they DON’T do the thing for you. A mentor at work might help you understand how to make a presentation or explain how the corporate structure works, but they won’t create the report for you or give you a promotion. So it’s the same for kink – a Mentor should not engage in sexual or kinky activities with their mentee. Likewise, they should not be setting you up with their friends, or isolating you (e.g. not letting you talk to anyone else, saying you can only trust them, or even having access to DMs if it’s an online arrangement). Sadly, there are a number of predators out there who do exactly this (see below for more on this). One other note is that there are NO standard ways of doing anything when it comes to kink/BDSM, so it would be completely pointless for someone to say they can “train” you. Every Dominant is different, every submissive is different – all someone can teach you is how they like something, not how anyone else will like it.
Does it matter if they’re a Dom or sub?
In my opinion, no, it doesn’t. Some people believe that only subs should mentor subs, and only Doms should mentor Doms, but I disagree. IMO if the mentor is someone knowledgable enough, experienced enough and responsible enough to be a Mentor, then it doesn’t matter which side of the slash they’re on. Remember, a Mentor isn’t meant to be engaging in kinky/sexual activity with their mentee, so even if a Dom is mentoring a sub, or a sub is mentoring a Dom, there shouldn’t be any situation where an abuse of power can occur. I’d also argue that there isn’t anything specific to being a sub or Dom that a good Mentor of the opposite side wouldn’t know about, and indeed, I’d say that a sub would be less informed by only learning from another sub (same for Doms). IMO, it’s entirely up to the mentee what they feel comfortable with; and of course, gender identity and/or sexual orientation of a potential Mentor may be a bigger concern for some folk.
Do I need a Mentor?
My honest opinion is that no, you don’t need a Mentor. And I say this as someone who does offer a Mentor service and also an in-person Beginner’s Session. These days, you can find all the information you could need online (I have a page listing various resources) through websites, podcasts and social media, and there are countless discussion groups as well. It can be helpful, but it’s not essential or mandatory. If you’ve ever been dating, you probably didn’t have a mentor for that, did you?
How do I find a Mentor?
First, I’d be wary of anyone approaching you and offering to be your mentor (see below), especially on FetLife, Reddit or social media. If you are active in your real-life local community, then that’s an excellent place to start; many munches/clubs have a few recognised people who are happy to be Mentors, or you can just ask around. Online, I’d recommend against just asking everyone you see – build a rapport with other online users and ask them if they know anyone who’d be happy to mentor you. Whichever way you go, you should still vet a potential mentor, just like you would a potential partner – even though there shouldn’t be any sexy/kinky activity happening, you still need to know whether they’re someone you can trust and get along with.
It’s also important to remember that no-one is obliged to mentor you. Being a (decent) Mentor can take up a fair bit of someone’s time, so please be respectful of that.
What to watch out for
The sad reality is that these days, “Mentor” is a term more frequently used by predators who use it as a way to get sexual with inexperienced people under the guise of showing them “how it’s done,” but without the responsibilities you’d expect from an actual partner. For example, they may tell an inexperienced submissive “I need to train you how to perform oral” just to get oral sex, and then refuse aftercare or any reciprocation, because “I’m just training you, I’m not your Dom.” It isn’t even just people claiming to be Doms – some predators claim to be subs just to get close to a potential victim and lull them into a false sense of security.
A Mentor has no reason to see you perform any sexual act. They don’t need to “train” you in doing anything if you’re a submissive; if you’re a Dom, they may offer guidance on things like impact play techniques (although it’s also good for subs to understand this as well, so they are informed about their own safety and can spot if someone knows what they’re doing) but again, this shouldn’t involve anything sexual or in any way gratifying to the Mentor.
And to recap the thing about “training” – there is no single way to do anything in kink/BDSM, so there is no way (IMO) that anyone can “train” you. I’ve seen plenty of people online claiming that they can “train” submissives – it’s just a way to engage sexually with inexperienced newcomers. No two Dominants are alike, so there is no “training” that could possibly be of benefit to a sub, beyond the sort of information that Mentoring (or just doing your own research) can provide.