You may hear about “vetting” people in terms of finding potential new partners, whether it’s for relationships or just for play – but what does it mean?
When it comes to vanilla dating, the whole point of dating someone is to figure out if they’re the right person for you. Sometimes it just takes one date to figure out, sometimes it may take quite a few dates – perhaps even months or, in some cases, years before you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.
When it comes to kink, though, you may not be looking for a life partner; some people enjoy having partners they purely “play” with, maybe once or twice, maybe for longer, but have no intention of sharing their life with. In those cases, it can be impractical to spend months getting to know someone the usual way – so the term “vetting” has become popular instead of “dating”.
So, in my opinion, vetting is about “are they who they say they are,” “do they know what they’re doing” and “are they suitable for me?”
The first part is less about identity and more about who they are as a person. To begin with, it’s common for kinky people to have made-up names so just go with that while you negotiate.
Figuring out who they are as a person will only become apparent over time, though, because it’s easy for someone to claim be Mr Awesomepants and pull it off for a few days, even a week or two, but much harder for them to maintain a charade over a few months. If you can check out someone’s social media presence then that can help.
Note: Once you decide to meet in person, that’s when (IMO) real IDs are important – you wouldn’t date someone without knowing who they are, so why would you engage in BDSM, which carries a lot of risk for both parties, without knowing who you’ve involved with?
The second part is a biggie, and that’s where you grill them on what experience they have. In a lot of vetting advice you will see people confidently state “Always talk to their previous subs/Doms” but that really isn’t very realistic. It may be possible if someone is well-known in their local real-life kinky community/munch, but the vast majority of kinky people never go near the real-life community. Would you be comfortable if you started dating someone and they wanted to talk to your exes? Same thing applies here. If it’s possible, then great, but IMO you’re better off making up your own mind. To start, ask loads of questions about how long they’ve been doing BDSM stuff, what their favourite activities are, least favourite, what they think they’re best at, worst at, what was the last thing that went wrong and how did they handle it, what safety precautions do they take, what are their thoughts on SSC/RACK/PRICK/CCCC/TREK/FRIES, what events have they been to, what’s their view on who has control in a D/s dynamic, what did they think of 50 Shades etc. There are no right or wrong answers, and a lot of it is really going to depend on what you think the answers should be anyway – the key is not so much to find someone who knows everything, but to see how they think and how they handle being challenged.
For example, dangerous Doms don’t like being challenged or questioned; so if they say “the Dom has all the power” then that tells you how they see D/s – asking them why they say that will reveal more about their mindset. Likewise if they say they’ve been “in” BDSM for years but don’t know what SSC/RACK/PRICK/CCCC/TREK/FRIES are then I’d question how that’s possible (I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I’d just be curious what their explanation is). CCCC is one that very few people know about, which is absolutely fine, the question is do they try and style it out, or do they go “Huh, I’ve never heard of that one” and admit they’re not perfect? You’re not trying to trip them up, you’re looking to find out what their character is, and whether you’ll be comfortable putting your life in their hands.
Another good thing to talk about is safewords – IMHO there is a fixation on using different words to mean No or Stop. Personally, I think a new sub should be allowed to say No/Stop etc while they’re getting used to things – it’s natural, it’s easy, it’s safe. So IMO a Dom who immediately goes for Pineapple or something complicated, or even just red/yellow/green might – might – be more concerned about having their fun prioritised over the sub’s comfort, or be new, because they’re not considering the potential issues with safewords. BUT that’s just my opinion – the important thing is what the person you’re vetting says and whether it aligns with your beliefs. Basically, ask them loads of questions and see if their answers add up, and how they react to being questioned. It matters less that they’ve been to Kinky Allstars 2021 or had 300 subs, and more that they are honest about things and you feel like you can trust them.
Then if you feel comfortable, you can see if they’re right for you. Tell them what you want, your limits etc, and see how they respond. If they push back, or say they don’t allow X y or z, that’s a bad sign. Find out what they want, their limits etc and see if you are ok with it.
I’d personally be wary of someone who wants to jump straight in to contracts – they’re a popular fanfic thing, they can be fun for roleplay, but they’re not super common. In BDSM we focus a lot on consent, for obvious reasons, and we try to empower people – especially newcomers – to speak out if they’re not happy or comfortable with something. A contract can make people reluctant to do so – they can think “well I signed the contract, I can’t change my mind” which is bollocks, but they can feel under pressure to not change their mind. Contracts are more common amongst well-established dynamics where they serve as a benchmark and a reminder of what is expected, and very unlikely to change because everyone knows what they’re doing and what they want / don’t want. Newcomers won’t know that, they won’t know what they can and can’t handle, and they won’t know how the relationship is going to feel. By all means knock one up once you’ve got all the, ahem, kinks ironed out, but my personal opinion is that you don’t need that extra pressure when you’re new.
So to sum up – even when you’re not looking for a life partner, it’s worth taking time to figure out if someone is going to be right for you, in whatever sense that may be.
If you do decide to meet up with someone you met online, here is my safety advice.