So, you’re new to BDSM, and keen to meet others into the same fun stuff you are? It’s not as tricky as you might think! In this article, Sir Dax will show you how easy it is to meet other folk who are just as kinky as you are – whether you’re looking to make new friends, find people to play with, or maybe just learn some new skills to use at home.

Step 1 – Join Fetlife

In their own words, “FetLife is the Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.” It’s not the most user-friendly of websites – in fact it can be downright annoying – but it’s become the main place for kinky people to communicate and for events to be advertised.

Go to and sign up; it’s free.

Step 2 – Search

Once you’ve signed up and logged in, use the search facility in the top left to search for your nearest town/city.

Step 3 – Search results

On the search results page, click the “Places” link on the right-hand end:

On the places page, click on the appropriate link, or if you don’t see your chosen location listed, search again – another town/city, or area, until you find somewhere suitable. Once you’re on the page for your chosen location, click the Events tab.

Step 4 – Browse

From here it’s a case of browsing the published events, seeing what you like the look of, and deciding if you want to go. The social gatherings will be listed as a “Munch”, and they’re an ideal place to start. Munches are run independently, but there will usually be a contact listed who you can contact for more information.

Step 5 – Attending your first munch

A munch is simply a social gathering of like-minded people, usually held in a bar, pub or restaurant. It’s completely normal; you won’t see any fetish clothing, no-one will be spanking their partner, and you’ve probably already seen one and just not realised it!

The listing for the event will give more details, but normally they’ll ask you to dress casually, as you would if you were visiting the pub (or whatever the venue is) for any other reason. There’ll usually be a reserved area, and if you’re nervous, the event organiser will often offer to meet you beforehand and introduce you to people.

Then it’s simply a case of having fun! Join in some conversations, ask people what they’re into or if they’ve been before – you’ll find other first-timers, and you’ll find people who have been going for ages. Munches tend to be pretty self-regulating; anyone who is creepy, behaves inappropriately or is otherwise unwelcome won’t last long. The munches I’ve been to have had some of the nicest, friendliest people you could meet, of all ages. It is just like going to the pub with a bunch of mates, because that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Step 6 – Onwards and upwards

So, what’s next? Hanging around in a pub talking about spanking and bondage is all well and good, but what about being a bit more… hands on? Well, a Munch is an excellent way to find out about other local events and workshops. Some groups also have “play munches”, held at a local dungeon/playroom, or they may have connections with another group nearby who do. You may also find out about workshops, presentations, and other events that may be of interest – and chances are, others from your group will be going as well, so you’ll already know people who are going.

Ask around, or contact the munch host, and they’ll be able to point you in the right direction. Or check back on Fetlife and see what else is listed in your area.

For questions or advice, contact Sir Dax on Twitter.

Photo credit: unsplash-logoJessica Gavineaux

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